QUESTION

I have rather a dilemma. My neighbor and I are hosting a shower on April 9th for another neighbor, a young lady I've known for quite some time, who as a teenager babysat my children etc. Anyway, the RSVP deadline on the invitations was April 1st. The bride had called me a couple of weeks ago and said there were five people from work she wanted to invite, and she'd get the names for me. She did not, so I figured she'd decided against inviting them. Anyway, she rang me yesterday (April 2nd) with these five names. The problem is that I only have two invitations left, and of course, these guests will know they're an afterthought by the date of the RSVP. I really don't want to go all the way back to the stationers and have five more invitations printed with a different RSVP date. Can I tell her just to invite them verbally? What about people who RSVP "yes" after the 1st? (I've already had two messages). Can I tell them I've already given the count to the caterer and we can't accommodate them, or should I accept RSVP's up until the day of the event? There are nine guests (including the bride's mother) who haven't RSVP'd at all. What should I do about that? I am so frustrated - honestly, this is the last time I'll offer to throw a shower.

ADVICE

Welcome to the sometimes-gruesome world of invitations and responses. To answer your first question, yes, you may ask the bride to verbally invite her work friends. If you did return to the stationers and have more invitations printed, guests who receive an invitation on the 4th for an event on the 9th, even with an "RSVP by April 7th", will know they are an afterthought. This, of course, would reflect poorly on you and your neighbor as co-hosts, even though the bride is to blame. Making her issue verbal invitations will put the burden of explanation squarely on her shoulders, which is where it should be. Brides, please pay attention. When someone is kind enough to throw a shower in your honor, you have a couple responsibilities. One is to be gracious and grateful. The other is to provide your hosts with an accurate guest list in a timely manner. One may not, as an afterthought, add to the guest list at the last minute. It's rude. Additionally, exceeding the original guest count increases the cost of catering, possibly extending your hosts' budget beyond the affordable. Now for the RSVPs. Guests, pay attention.

The reason there is an RSVP date on your invitation is not because the hosts needed one more line to balance out the look. It is because they are working with a deadline. Usually, they are attempting to ascertain the number of guests in order to establish the quantity of food and drink and caterers typically require a guest count the Monday prior to a weekend event. Hosts may be preparing the food themselves and ordering rental tables and china, which of course requires an accurate count. Regardless, it is rude to RSVP one way or the other after the date. Should you find yourself in that position, the tardy RSVP must come with much explanation and a sincere apology. Those who feel they need not RSVP at all are committing a high crime. Unless you wish to convey that the invitation means nothing to you, that you do not care for either the bride or her kind hosts and that you are certainly not interested in either attending or even being invited to the impending wedding, you should RSVP as instructed. The bride's mother, by the way, who has not bothered to RSVP, will receive her just rewards, when, after painstakingly issuing two hundred wedding invitations, the very same thing happens to her.

© Copyright Kim Shaw; all rights reserved.
Kim Shaw is the President of Moonlight & Magnolia - Exquisite Weddings and Special Events, located in Charlotte, NC.